Happily Ever Alpha: Until I Saw You (Kindle Worlds Novella) Page 4

  “Bullshit—”

  “But they’re mine,” he says, interrupting me and sitting down in a lounger. I jerk around to look at him. His face is completely closed off but there’s a fire in his eyes. “And I’d kill any son of a bitch who would try to harm them or take them away from me.”

  “Roman—”

  “It’s not about being a good man, Allen. I’ve never been a good man and I once roamed the same fucking streets you did. What brought us to the roads you and I travel might not be the same—but they’re not all that different.”

  “She deserves better than me, Roman, and no matter what you say, man… it’s not the same. I’ll never be clean. There are times I shower in water so damn hot my skin feels like it will boil, until I fucking bleed—”

  “Allen…”

  “And I still don’t feel clean. I’ll never feel clean.”

  “You need to get back into therapy.”

  “It was bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Nothing they say. Nothing I do can erase the past or the things done to me. They are inside of me, they’ve become a poison in my system and I might have pulled my life together thanks to you and Ana, but that poison still sits inside of me, reminding me. Every. Damn. Day.”

  “So let it live inside of you, but claim your woman.”

  “Jessie deserves better.”

  “So does Ana, but I’m keeping her and I try every day to make sure she never regrets being with me. Trust me, Allen. Do the same. You will regret it the rest of your life if you don’t.”

  “And Jessie will regret it the rest of her life if she finds out. I can’t do that to her, Roman. She deserves better.”

  Roman stands and claps his hand on my shoulder. Our gazes lock and that fire is still burning in his eyes. It’s burning so bright it feels like it’s touching me.

  “In my book, Allen, there is no better. You might have started off Ana’s brother, but you’re mine now and I couldn’t be prouder.” He walks off after delivering that message. I just remain here once he leaves, feeling like I can’t breathe. I watch the man who saved my life, who helped me recover when I was below the bottom, a man I love and admire walk away after claiming me as part of his family. I close my eyes against the emotions that brings to the surface and my hands tighten into fists.

  When I open my eyes it’s not Roman I see. It’s not even Ana or my nephew. It’s a vision that’s not even there. It’s a picture in my mind of Jessie smiling at me, her lips swollen from my kiss, her eyes filled with desire… desire for me.

  Christ.

  10

  Jessie

  “You know, I’ve lived here forever and I’ve never done this,” I laugh as Allen lifts me up in the horse-drawn carriage.

  “Then I’d say it’s past time,” he says once he’s settled in beside me. He leans down and kisses my nose. Which is probably not sexy but it feels good, especially when he puts his arm around me. I lean into him, happier than I can ever remember being in my life.

  “This is one of the reasons I love this city. The architecture of the buildings and just the atmosphere in general, it makes you feel like you are transported back in time. It honors our past… The city is entrenched in it.”

  “You never thought of moving?” he asks.

  “Not really. St. Augustine is home.”

  “I get it. I’ve settled in Miami. It might not have been where I would pick, but it’s home now. It’s where my family is.”

  “Your family?”

  “My sister Ana, my nephew, and Ana’s husband Roman.”

  “He’s the man you work for, right?”

  “He’s my boss, but he’s more than that. I’ve never really had a friend before, but Roman has been there for me when no one else was. Actually I drove everyone else off and Roman refused to move. I mean, I get he was there because of my sister, but he didn’t have to be. I owe him everything.”

  “I would have been there for you, Allen,” I tell him, my hand squeezing into his leg. I know I haven’t known him long, but I can’t imagine not being there for him anytime he needed me. I feel that drawn to him in ways I can’t truly understand. There’s a connection between us that defies explanation and I’m just going to embrace that—I’m that confident of it.

  Allen’s dark eyes hold mine and there seems to be a storm brewing in them. Something in them—which I can’t name—sends a chill of alarm down my spine. Before I can question him, his hand comes out and slides against the side of my face.

  “No, Mouse. You wouldn’t have been. No one could have saved me back then, especially you. I would have hated you for trying.”

  I think over his words. They hurt me. There’s so much pain and self-loathing inside of them you can literally feel it. I bring my hand up to Allen’s and I hold him there. Needing that connection with him.

  “It wouldn’t have mattered. I still would have been there,” I tell him, my voice strained by all of the emotions I’m feeling. It doesn’t make sense I feel this deeply for someone—especially so quickly, but I do. I’m not about to hide from it. It’s too important.

  Allen’s too important.

  “You didn’t know me back then, Jessie. I wasn’t a good person.”

  “I can’t believe that.”

  “Then you’re being naïve.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Let’s not talk about this right now, Jessie.”

  “But I want to.”

  “I’m only in St. Augustine for a limited time. I’d rather not ruin our time together talking about my past.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  “I’m here for another week, but… My life is in Miami.”

  “So I only have a week with you?”

  “Jessie—”

  “I should warn you of something, Allen.”

  His face changes and he tilts his head to study me.

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m going to do my best to make you want to stay with me.”

  “You won’t have to try very hard, Mouse,” he says quietly and he reaches down, bringing our lips together in a kiss that is definitely sweet but tinged with sadness too.

  A kiss that tells me I have my work cut out for me if I’m going to reach Allen like I want to.

  11

  Allen

  I wish I knew what in the hell I’m doing. Last night I made out with Jessie during a carriage ride by the ocean. Then, I took her home and made out on with her on her sofa. I should walk away because of everything she makes me feel, but here I am, less than twenty-four hours later for our third… date.

  The third time this week I’ve been at Jessie’s house. The third night we’ve shared dinner and the third night I’ve sat on her sofa, watching a movie, listening to her talk, watching the way her face animates as she discusses her day. The third night I wish I could take her home, and make her mine.

  The third and last day.

  Last night when I got in, Ana delivered the bad news. Roman has to go back to Miami tomorrow, which means I’m going back. Miami is not a world away from St. Augustine, but it’s far enough that there’s no way I’ll be on Jessie’s sofa tomorrow night. There’s no way I’ll be able to soak in her presence and feel her goodness wash over me.

  “Allen are you okay? You are being really quiet tonight,” Jessie asks, carefully. Her voice is gentle, her face is soft and when I look down at her I realize there’s not one thing I don’t like about her.

  Not one.

  “I have to leave tomorrow. We’re going home.”

  “But, I thought you said you were here for another week,” she questions, distress on her face. I can read it and it makes me feel strange. No one—besides my sister—has really cared about having me around. Jessie does. She shows it often. I don’t understand it. She deserves better than me. I’m the last man she needs fucking up her life… tainting her.

  “Roman got a call about business last night. He has to go back home to deal with it,” I explain. I’ve already told her ho
w I work for my brother-in-law and how much I owe him. I left out why I owe him. I don’t want Jessie to think the worst of me when she finds out about my past.

  And she will… How could she not?

  “I was hoping for more time with you,” she whispers, and she has no idea what those words do to me—or how much I’ve wished for the same thing. I don’t give her the words I want to. I don’t tell her what I’m feeling. Those feelings would expose how important she is to me, how much I need her, or how it’s killing me to think of leaving her here alone, for another man to claim.

  I can never give her those words.

  “My life is in Miami, Jessie,” I answer instead, keeping any of the emotion I feel out of my voice. This is not the time for it.

  “I’ll miss you, Allen.”

  “You’ll find someone else to enjoy dinners with.” I shrug like the knife I just plunged into my own chest doesn’t hurt a bit. The thought of Jessie enjoying anything with another man kills me.

  “So this is our last night together?” she asks, and those eyes. Fuck, her eyes kill me. It’s as if they can see right through me.

  “Probably.”

  I can’t bring myself to say the truth out loud. This has to be our last night. I don’t think she’d understand that after tonight, I have no choice but to walk away from her. She is too good for me. I am way too dirty for her. There are a million other reasons I should have never gotten to know Jessie. I should have left her shop that day and never looked back. I was too weak. I had to have more of her, and now I’m left causing her pain… both of us pain.

  “I’ll miss you.”

  It’s three simple words, but they are words that hurt. They hurt because they are honest. You can hear the ring of truth in them. Her words hurt, because I feel the same.

  I move my hand to the side of her neck and hold her there, locking my gaze with hers and committing everything about her in that moment to my memory.

  “I’ll miss you too, Jessie. More than you will ever know.”

  That’s my honesty. Those are the words I give her, instead of the others that are clogging in my brain. She leans into me and I should stop her, but I don’t. My lips find hers and when her tongue slides against my mouth I open for her, taking her tongue inside and returning her kiss.

  She tastes of sunshine and cool mornings, of innocence untainted by the world and I drink it like a starving man, knowing that when the kiss is over I have to walk away.

  12

  Jessie

  Desperation.

  That’s the one emotion that is thrumming through me. I thought I had more time with Allen. I don’t have enough information. I don’t know how to reach him. The only thing I do know is that I need to reach him. It seems stupid, maybe even insane but…

  I think I love him. If not that, then at least I know I could love him and that’s never happened before. Instinctively I know that it will never happen again, not like this and not with this much emotion and feeling. The minute I saw him I knew…

  I take his kiss like a woman clinging to life, because that’s what this feels like. My heart is breaking, and common sense is thrown out the window. I grasp Allen firmly, my fingers tightening on his neck, holding his lips to mine. He plunders my mouth, owning it. This kiss is more intense than any we’ve shared before. Maybe he feels the desperation too.

  “Jessie,” he groans, his arms pushing me from him, and yet holding me at the same time. His hands are like a bruising force, but I don’t mind it. I like it. His breathing is ragged. It matches mine. We stare at each other and somehow I’ve ended up straddling his lap while Allen is lying on his back. “This is a bad idea,” he says, his voice thick and hoarse. Maybe I’m fooling myself, but it feels like there is emotion there.

  “You’re right,” I tell him, because I do agree.

  “Then we need to stop.” he says. His breathing is still ragged and his gaze seems like it is waging a war behind his dark eyes.

  I swallow down the nerves that are threatening to overtake me. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m twenty-four, but I’ve spent my life devoted to getting my store up and running. I’ve not had time for anything else—for anyone else. I want Allen and if I only get tonight with him, I’m going to take it and not look back.

  I keep my gaze locked with his. Now is not the time to look away. I need him to see how sure I am about this. I take a breath that moves brokenly through my body, shaking me. Then I grab the bottom of my shirt and before I can talk myself out of it, I pull it over my head.

  “I don’t want to stop this,” I tell him as the cool air hits my skin.

  “Jessie, damn it.”

  My fingers fumble with the front clasp on my bra. Allen’s hand comes up and clamps over mine, stopping me from doing anything else.

  “Allen…”

  “We shouldn’t do this, Jessie. It’s not right. I’m leaving in the morning.”

  “You told me that.”

  “Then—”

  “And I still don’t want to stop, Allen.”

  “Jessie, we have to,” he argues. He may be saying that, but I’m not sure he realizes that his fingers are brushing against my wrist. It’s a soft touch, gentle and innocently erotic, sending shivers of need through my system. “I’m trying to protect you here, Mouse.”

  “I don’t need to be protected, Allen. I want you.”

  “Christ.”

  “If I can only have you for one night, Allen, then I want it,” I tell him, using what courage I have left. His hand falls away with my words and his face looks almost as if he’s in pain. “If I don’t get tomorrow with you, Allen, I at least want tonight to remember,” I add with stark honesty.

  I unlatch my bra, letting it fall to the floor, and wait to see if Allen is going to walk away without giving me a chance to belong to him.

  I’m scared he will… and part of me is scared he won’t.

  I’m a mess.

  13

  Allen

  “Jessie, you don’t know what you’re asking.” I moan out the words, my control nearly snapping. Against my will, my hands move up to palm her breasts. They’re soft and my hands swallow them easily. Her pale skin against my ink looks wrong, but beautiful. Her nipple strains against the palm of my hand. I squeeze it gently, unable to stop myself.

  “I’m asking you to make love to me,” she says and how I ever thought this woman was timid is beyond me. She’s everything.

  “Where’s your bedroom?” I growl, sitting up, grabbing her hips and holding her to my body as I do. She sways back before clamping her hands down on my shoulders to steady herself. I kiss her shoulder in reward, trying to get control of myself long enough to make this good for her… for both of us. She has no way of knowing that I’ve not made love to a woman in forever. Hell, I’m not even sure if I remember how to do this. Fuck, until Jessie, I haven’t wanted another woman. There’s too much in my past for me to let go and enjoy. My reaction to her is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

  “I… We could… Here…” she whispers, her breathing so damn ragged it’s killing me. She’s ready to go off right now. It wouldn’t take much to give her an orgasm. The truth in that is freeing. She wants me just as much as I want her.

  “If I’m going to make love to you, Jessie, you better damn well believe that it will be in a bed for our first time.”

  “First room down the hall,” she mumbles, her soft lips caressing my neck. I lean to give her more access and my fingers bite into her soft round ass when she bites me. “Just hurry,” she adds and I definitely agree with that. Her tongue darts out, soothing the skin she just bit and I wonder if she left a mark, at the same time praying she did.

  I want her mark. I want something to remind me of her, because she’s not mine to keep. I have to let her go…

  I make it to the bedroom without even remembering how I got there. All I know is she’s standing on her own by the bed now facing me. I’ve pulled my shirt off and I’m staring at
her, waiting to see what she does next. It’d kill me, but I’d let her back out if she wanted. Hell, half of me is hoping she will. It’s going to be hell to let her go after tasting her.

  Jessie looks at me and then her hand moves to the waist of her jeans. She undoes the button and then the zipper. My gaze is glued to her actions. I watch as the zipper breaks away, allowing the light blue silk fabric of her panties to show. They match the bra she took off and they’re sexy as hell. She puts one hand on me to brace herself as she slides her pants down and steps out of them.

  “Thank God I remembered the good underwear,” she jokes despite her face blooming a deep red.

  “I thought I told you I preferred no underwear,” I respond.

  In response she reaches down, hooks the tiny lace rim of her panties on her hip and pulls them down. I watch as they slide over her legs and as she steps out of them I’m sure I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.

  “Your wish is my command,” she murmurs breathlessly.

  My hand clenches into a fist as I try to rein in my hunger for her. I don’t want to scare her.

  “Get on the bed, Jessie,” I order her, my voice commanding. I need to be softer for her, but I just can’t manage it right now.

  Her eyes widen, but she does as I ask. I take out my billfold and lay it on her nightstand, and then I push my pants down quickly. My cock is rock hard and leaning out toward her. She can’t know how new that is for me. I’m not a virgin, but this isn’t exactly an everyday occurrence either. I could probably count the times I’ve had sex on my hands. The sad truth is I’ve never had sex sober… It hasn’t been possible. Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m worried I won’t be able to—even now. I’m hard, which is a miracle that doesn’t happen really. Except with Jessie. I’m always hard around her. From the beginning my reactions to her have been different than they’ve ever been in my life. But even though my body is willing… Will my mind leave me alone long enough to bring her pleasure?